Amazingly, it was four years ago today that my sister and best friend died of cancer. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. So many times I want to pick up the phone and call her to ask her opinion or advice, or maybe just to share something funny. But she's gone, leaving a huge hole in my heart and in my life. I still need her. I don't want her to be gone. I miss her.
I often dream about her, but there's always that gut-wrenching "knowledge" that the visit is temporary, that something is wrong. Thinking about her last night, I truly hoped that I would dream about her and not have that "feeling." I wanted to just enjoy spending time with her without worrying about her or thinking that she couldn't stay. But the dream didn't come. So I woke up this morning with her on my mind and thought I'd just write a little about my memories.
Carla was the oldest girl, and she took that role seriously. She was the one who learned to cook and sew. Her side of the room was always clean. She was a nerd in every sense of the word, and she knew it. She was skinny and awkward. I remember when she tried out for cheerleading. It was so hilarious to watch her try to do a cheer. I still remember how it went:
O - K
Hello, Judges!We'd like to say, "hello"
to you in a special way!We'll start it all out with a welcoming
cheer,Just to let you all know that we're glad
you're here!H - E - double L - O
We say, "HELLO!"
Oh my gosh, she was pathetic! Needless to say, she didn't make the squad. I don't think she actually expected to, and I was surprised she even tried--it didn't fit her conservative personality. I held that incident over her head for years.
Even though I was younger by almost two years, I was much stronger than she was. (I'm still freakishly strong, as my friend, Amy, would say.) I could carry her piggy-back, but if I jumped on her back, her legs would crumple beneath her and we would both fall to the ground, laughing. I could beat her up. I never did, but we both knew that I could. I also held that over her.When she was about 17, she started to blossom. She learned how to fix her hair, got her teeth fixed, and got contacts. Her whole attitude changed. She became confident in herself and started dating (lots of guys were now interested).
She got married two days before her 18th birthday. She and Danny had 5 amazing kids, and her family and mine were close as our kids grew up together. She was much stronger than even I knew, handling infidelity with such grace and strength. After her divorce, she went to school and got a college degree, all the time working and raising five kids!
After a few years on her own, she married Mike Clements, who had a young son, which gave her 6 kids. Then they had another baby, making a grand total of 7 kids. Kelby was only 4 when Carla died. But Carla had prepared her family well. Her older kids were responsible enough to help Mike with Kelby, which gave Carla a lot of peace. Stacey, especially, has been an amazing caregiver to her little sister. I am so proud of her (and all of the kids).
All of us Jinks siblings have a dry sense of humor. When we get together, we crack ourselves up, but others seem to wonder what the heck we are laughing about. Carla and I shared a very similar sense of humor. Often, we would laugh so hard that we would be doubled over in pain. I think I miss the laughter the most.
It's comforting to remember how she was so full of genuine joy the last few years of her life. She deserved that, and it was a pleasure to watch her as she talked about her job as the Director of Children's Ministries at The Rock Church. And the pride with which she spoke about her children and grandchildren was clear. She loved her job, her kids, and her husband, and it showed. Mike and I have our differences, but I'll always be grateful to him for making her so happy at the end.
So, here we all are, four years later, still missing her. Still trying to deal with life's challenges without having her to lean on. Not easy.
At Carla's memorial service, we played a slideshow with photos of her. The audio played during the presentation was "What a Wonderful World." I can't listen to that song without getting choked up. I miss her. Did I say that already? Can't wait to see her again. Someday . . .
Take a look at this video. It's amazing.
Have a wonderful day!
